


Christmas on the Run

by j_crew_guy



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-05
Updated: 2010-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 12:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_crew_guy/pseuds/j_crew_guy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jay and Bob piss off the mob. At Christmastime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas on the Run

Bob glared at Jay as he continued to try and catch his breath. The glare said, "How could you possibly be so stupid?"

Jay smacked Bob with an open hand. In between gulps of air he told Silent Bob, "I'm supposed to fuckin' know that some mobster's kid is allergic to oregano? It's a goddamn spice! No one's allergic to them!"

The look Bob gave Jay said, "Well, someone is, dumbass."

"I did't know he was no mob guy's kid either!" Jay straightend up and kicked the air in frustration.

Silent Bob sighed and shrugged, as if to say, "I give up." He looked around their surroundings and realized they were at a mall. More accurately, a mall they had never been to before. That meant no prick like LaFours to harass them. And most important of all, no one to recognize them.

He headed for the entrance of the mall, Jay trailing behind. "We're being chased by guys who want us dead and you wanna SHOP!?!?" Jay yelled at him.

Silent Bob put a finger to his lips to quiet Jay down. He mimed laughing as if his stomach was even larger and rounder and then tugged on a nonexistent beard.

"Santa? You want us to go in there and hide as Santa?"

Bob pointed at Jay and made the gestures of a dentist. "Hell no!" Jay replied. "I ain't dressin' like a goddamn elf!"

Silent Bob shrugged and waved goodbye to Jay as he headed into the mall by himself.

Jay thought about it for a moment and then followed. "Wait up, fat ass! I'll be your elf, but I ain't wearing no pointed ears!"

After an ambush of Santa and one of his elves as they were headed to the bathroom, Jay and Bob outfitted themselves in the appropriate costumes and headed to Santa's Village.

Jay immediately took command of the situation. "Santa ain't feelin' too well, so he ain't talking. Got it?" The children and their parents nodded.

One of the mothers raised her hand. "Excuse me, but what happened to the other Santa?"

"There ain't no other Santa, lady. So unless you and your kid wanna be stuck at the end of the fuckin' line, shut up and stop askin' questions."

The mother reddened and took her child by the hand. "The Santa at the Eden Prarie Mall certainly doesn't use language like this!" she sniffed as she stalked away, child in tow.

Jay glared at the other parents and children in line. "Let that be a lesson to all of y'alls!" he declared.

Parents started to look at each other and mutter. After Jay told the first child to sit on Santa's lap that, "You can suck on the candy cane he gives you, but only I get to suck on Santa's," the parents and their children fled en masse. Some of them made noises about speaking to the management about the… vulgar Santa and elf they had this year.

Jay stood around as Silent Bob glared at him in a way that said, "Haven't you heard of the meaning of the word 'inconspicuous' dickweed?"

"Damn, these tights ride up!" Jay commented as he tugged at his crotch. "Whassup ladies?" he called to a couple of women who were walking by. "Wanna suck on my candy cane? It's better for you than a real one!"

Bob got up from Santa's throne and smacked Jay with Santa's hat. The look he gave Jay said, "What did you do that for?"

Jay shrugged. "You never know. Santa might bring me one of them in my stocking."

Bob sat back down on the throne and started to consider ditching Jay. Jay busied himself, pocketing as many candy canes as he could, "For later." That was when a mob of people, led by the Santa and elf they had "borrowed" the costumes from appeared around a corner and pointed angrily in their direction.

Silent Bob grabbed Jay by the collar of his costume and started to run.


End file.
